Did this really happen?!
On November 17, 2018 by Michelle LoveI wrote this 3 years ago today. Seems so surreal. *******While not mentally alert, BJ realizes it, and it upsets him. He can take the physical pain, but when it extends to his mind, that just reaches too far. What breaks my heart is when he looks at me through tears and reaches out his Read More
Reflection in the lobby
On November 10, 2018 by Michelle LoveSitting here reflecting this morning while Carly is in her Teen Advisory Council meeting at Levine Children’s Hospital …. I wonder how many kids have walked through here and didn’t walk out. If I close my eyes, I can see BJ and Carly walking in front of me, Carly pushing BJ’s IV pole… Today is Read More
CART-19 = Pure Hell
On November 5, 2018 by Michelle LoveOn this day November 5, 2015, BJ received his 200,000 modified T-cells as part of the CART-19 clinical trial at Duke. That day was the beginning of a horrible ending…but we were so hopeful that it was his cure. We were naively excited. It was pure hell. 106 degree fevers for days on end, delusions Read More
Duke memories
On November 2, 2018 by Michelle LoveFrom this day, November 2, 2015…we had been at Duke for several days with BJ being on the CART-19 clinical trial. We were staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Durham until his body started reacting to the treatment and he was admitted. It was some of the worst days and there were some very Read More
Senior Football Banquet
On October 27, 2018 by Michelle LoveThis morning, Carly and I set up a memorial table for BJ, for tonight’s senior football dinner. I’m so grateful for people who remember that he would have been here, he would have been a senior, and that he would have been an integral part of the team….He would have LOVED our new coach. If Read More
Finding A Voice in the Pain
On October 7, 2018 by Michelle LoveI can’t fix it for her, and moms are supposed to fix things. This morning, Carly’s mood went from happy to decidedly not in a matter of minutes. I pressed her to tell me what was wrong. What happened in the last 5 minutes. She finally struggled to say…”I…miss….BJ.” Oh God. My heart. I think Read More
What’s Real
On January 26, 2018 by Michelle LoveI had some time by myself yesterday. For someone who has lost their child, that’s such a loaded sentence. Being alone gives an opportunity for reflection, or just allowing yourself to go to places that you usually skim across every other moment. It’s a time to dive a little deeper and release some emotions. I Read More
Christmas for a kid with cancer
On December 27, 2017 by Michelle LoveDec 27, 2013…BJ, 12 years old, had to arrive very early at Levine Children’s Hospital to have surgery. His original port-a-cath had developed a sheath over the end of the line, and it had to be replaced. He was just over a year into treatment at this point and had already been through hell and Read More
Christmas 2017
On December 25, 2017 by Michelle LoveChristmas morning, still in our pajamas, visiting the one we both miss so much. Read More
Goodbye hugs
On October 25, 2017 by Michelle LoveOne of the last goodbye hugs. It’s very obvious how much they loved each other. You never know when that hug, that “I love you” will be the last one. #BJStrong Read More
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