This is us

On March 28, 2019 by Michelle Love

This March 29th marks my 47th trip around the sun. I’ve noticed recently that something inside me has shifted. I feel different – lighter, more free. I’ve spent the last several weeks cleaning and organizing every room in the house, including the attic and the shed. Even BJ’s room. I actually started the clean up in his room on March 6th — on the 3rd anniversary of his death — I felt that I owed it to him to clean his room, since it had become an unintended storage area for so much of our foundation stuff. It actually felt good to do it. Only once that day did I stop to relax a bit, and had a little teary moment. It was at that moment I really heard the song that was playing on the radio…Billy Joel’s ‘Only The Good Die Young’. In the midst of tears, I busted out with a laugh…really — come on, BJ! Of course that was meant to make me laugh, and I could see that wide, beautiful smile of his in my mind. That was enough for me to wipe the tears and get back to it.

A day or so later, Carly and I went through his closet for the first time ever. We looked at each shirt and decided what would stay in the closet, and what would go into a box. Then we took the boxes to the attic. We even dismantled his bed. That one was a bit hard. But we did it, and turned his room into an office space. I’ve spent more time in his room since we transformed it, and I love it. In fact, the energy in the whole house has improved. What I dreaded has actually been the source of a lot of joy!

I guess all the cleaning and my impending birthday also sparked a sort of personal inventory…acknowledging to myself what I’ve been through, what I continue to survive, and reflecting on who I am now. It’s as if the dust of the battle is finally settling, and I’m checking to see what’s missing, broken or what’s still there. One day when I was in the attic, I came across some old photo albums. I sat there at the top of the attic stairs and looked through them. There on the page calling out to the part of me I had long forgotten, were photos of a smiling little country girl with dirty bare feet, bruised legs and skinned knees, scraped face, wearing a crisp white dress. The little girl was full of joy. Joy that was tangible in every photo…dirty, bare feet, with a puppy chewing on her thumb and swinging as high as possible on a swing set. Pure and absolute joy. The little girl spoke to my heart. She said, “This is us…we were Divinely created. We will always push ourself to go farther, go higher – no matter that the poles lift out of the ground. Scrapes and bruises don’t stop us, and certainly won’t squash our smile or take away our joy. We were born to be a warrior – and to be the mother of warriors. We don’t take for granted the simple joys of dirty bare feet, chewy puppies, and the rush of adrenaline from flight. We won’t forget who we are or where we came from, because this is what forged it all.