Remaining Who I Am

On September 13, 2018 by Michelle Love

I guess it’s a good thing, because what kind of life does she really have anyway…? But I found myself more upset than I thought I would be after the phone call. It’s not like it was a complete shock, because I’ve been seeing the signs myself. I knew she was progressing. I was the one who saw the little signs in the very beginning of all this and pressured her into going to the doctor…and took the heat as ‘family’ members vehemently disagreed with me. I guess my upset came from the finality of the loss of the hope that one day she would be the mom and grandma she should have been, the mom I wanted, the kind of mom I became, despite her. I guess I am still that girl who needs to know her mom loves her unconditionally. That hope dies with her, and according to the Hospice nurse’s call on Monday, that timeline is now about 2 weeks.

Over the past several years, I have taken care of everything on her behalf, regardless of the state of our relationship. Even when I was fighting for my child’s life, I made sure she had what she needed. Made sure she had clothes that fit, took her to her appointments or made sure she had a ride, made sure that she was in a good place and that those people took care of her, and made sure her bills were paid. When she kept falling, I moved her–by myself–to another facility and, for a while, she didn’t fall. Her family didn’t seem to care at all, and I have realized that most of my true family has no blood relation.

Even though she never apologized for the way she turned her back on me, and she was who she was….I can say I am proud that I remained who I am.