Little ears hear what you say — and they don’t forget it

On July 31, 2018 by Michelle Love

Carly was 11-years-old when BJ died. She was in that PICU room when it all happened. She was a 5th grade student. In fact, she missed 58 days of school that year because she wanted to be with her brother. She lived at the hospital too, while BJ was inpatient. She was there with us while he was at Duke, participating in the clinical trial (CART-19) that we thought would be his cure. She celebrated her 11th birthday in BJ’s hospital room.

Carly is almost 14 now, and she doesn’t show much emotion over her brother, or anything else for that matter. It is very rare to ever see her in tears. We sat and talked recently and she opened up that while we were in the hospital, people told her to “stay strong for your momma”. Because this was the advice, the directive she got when her brother was dying, and after he died, she followed it. I guess it helped that it was something she could control, when everything around her was out of control. She was strong — strong as she interpreted it. Strong, to an 11-year-old in the context of death, meant to bottle her emotions, shed no tears, suck it up. So, for the past 2+ years, she has done just that.

I’m sure the well meaning people who told her to ‘stay strong’ didn’t really mean for her hold back her tears, or not to be angry or sad, or for her to not talk about her brother or what she lost. But that is exactly how my daughter interpreted it. She felt that she had to be the rock, and that showing tears somehow made her less than strong, and put more pressure on her than she deserved.

So I would just like to caution…think about the words you use especially when talking to a young person who has experienced such great loss. Think about what you say before you blurt out something that will put even more stress and pressure on them.