Promises and Defeat

So disappointed when I saw what time it is…laying here awake since 0220. It was a rough day yesterday here at Duke. I just really felt defeated after hearing about Elijah’s death and that Simon wasn’t doing well. I had to tell BJ about Simon and Elijah. It was even harder when I saw that he had chosen to wear Elijah’s orange prayer warrior t-shirt yesterday. BJ was very upset…then completely pissed off. He feels like it’s the doctor’s fault for giving up on Elijah. Elijah was taken off his trial when they realized his tumors had grown so much. BJ has asked me if he would be taken off this study he’s on. And I’m sure all of that runs around in his mind….will that happen to him too.  It just crushes me to see this. I reassure him that I will never give up on him. Never. We have such a strong bond, that we know what the other is thinking just by looking at each other. He looked at me, stared for a few seconds and then shook his head in acceptance of my promise. I knew what he wasn’t saying. These kinds of things…We don’t talk about to other people. It’s between us and we are like glue, holding each other up. Just yesterday at clinic after receiving more disappointing news, he said mom… I know you’re going to anyway, but try not to worry. I told him I would try….